That one friend

This is a post that is very close and personal to me in many ways. Maybe this is something I will never truly get over.

I guess the only relationships we really choose in life are our friendships. Everything else like parents, siblings, teachers comes to us on its own. But our friends… they are the people we choose.

I never really stayed in one place while growing up. My father’s job kept transferring us, so I kept changing cities and schools. I never had one fixed friend group. I slowly lost touch with people from each phase of my life as I moved forward.

Yet, there was this one friend,someone very dear to me who stayed. Nearly ten years of friendship. And to me, that meant everything.

I have always valued friendships deeply. Someone I’ve known for ten years is not just a friend… they become a part of you. He was my best friend, someone I saw as family. My safe space. My comfort zone. I had no filters with him. I shared every little story be it funny, messy, everything.

There was no judgment. No fear of being mocked. Just ease.

I never imagined I could function without this bond. Maybe this is how life teaches us to outgrow even the things we thought we couldn’t live without.

Things ended on an unpleasant note. Something I never wanted. It all happened so suddenly that I felt helpless. I pulled back. I chose my usual defense, silence. I didn’t know how to protect the bond when all I wanted was for it to understand me.

I was so lost in what I was feeling that I forgot something important, I had to express it too. But I couldn’t.

There were fights. Words spoken in anger.

And that’s where my regret lies.

I have never been someone who wishes ill for anyone. I am not that person, and I never will be. Yet, in that moment, I said things I shouldn’t have. That part stays with me.

Now, I have nothing left to say. It’s over.

Maybe I will never gather the courage to go back, and I won’t. I would rather leave these memories in their good form than bring them into the present and ruin them.

I tried being angry. I tried being bitter. Eventually, I just got tired of myself.

I didn’t know where to go to find peace.

And then I understood something, maybe I was holding on to something that was already gone.

I wish I knew how to move on the way people seem to do today. To not hold on so tightly to the good memories.

But maybe that’s just not who I am.

All I know is this, I had a beautiful best friend. And I am grateful for the space he filled in my life for all those years.

I gave my all. I never knew how to do things halfway.

It didn’t work out. And yes, there is sadness in how it all ended.

But I truly wish that both of us get everything we want in life, completely and boundlessly.

You held a very special place in my heart.

You were my best friend. And you always will be.

There are moments when anger comes back, but I’ve realized something, I am not someone who can survive by thinking ill of people.

So I choose to remember you as the best version of yourself.

I want both of us to reach our own heights, to grow, to succeed.

I know I may never say this to you directly.

This post isn’t for you.

It’s for me.

For my own healing.

I love you ra